First, I will say sex is an analogy of life. In this article, I am both literally and figuratively talking about sex. So, here goes.
My moral compass has changed drastically. Back in the day, being the other dude was nothing for me. Now, I have an expectation of myself to preserve my karmic energy and exist in a space of peace-- which simply means not knowingly fucking someone's man.
Now, I will agree that, as an outsider, I have no loyalty to someone's relationship who ain't loyal to it in the first place, but I don't want to deal with all that comes with it on my behalf. In short, life has paid me back with karma in every relationship I have fucked over and I ain't here for the shit. You hear me? Still, cheating is a very real thing in the world. I would almost say it's more normal than monogamy. Of course, I can't substantiate that, but it's an educated guess based on my connection to people.
I had an experience in the past that reminds me of these thoughts. After seeing one of my old hook-ups in the club with this guy who he seemed to be dating, he hit me up out the blue two weeks later. Now, mind you, the guy and I didn't have much of a relationship outside of sex. He was very much my type and I guess I was his, but dating was never on the menu as our interactions were purely based on sex.
Anyway, he hit me up and by the conversation, I knew where this was going quickly.
"Hey" I replied.
"Can't complain.. wyd"
At that point, I was tired of this stupid ass back and forth and responded, "Nah, Sex would help if ya boy don't mind," as I was trying to get clarity if he had a boyfriend. I know, a true mindfucker.
To my surprise, he responded "Don't think he would."
Taken back, but intrigued I invited him over and we commenced to doing what we needed to do. I would like to let you know that this analytical mind doesn't go away at any moment. So, in friendship, relationships, driving, flying, fucking, praying, fighting, or dancing, I am thinking. Sometimes, quietly. Most times, out loud. As I am stroking him, I asked "He doesn't mind me fucking you?" Disgusted that I wanted to talk about his boyfriend as I am penetrating him, he looks confused and says, "Man, you wild."
But I really wanted to know. We have had sex many times and it's enjoyable, but I'm sort of lazy because, although I am sexually liberal, I am almost 30 and much prefer a connection than a friend with benefit, you know? So, I know fireworks can't be going off in his head as it's happening. I am honest enough to know when I'm giving my best-- and I for sure wasn't. And they couldn't have been in a relationship very long because he just got off Grindr and, secretly, was still on Jack'd. So, he couldn't be tired of their sex. So, is this guy really okay with this? Hell, I'm sure he doesn't know. The real question is why do we become okay with this as a society?
To give additional thought to it, after we finished, he slapped my ass and half told/ half asked me if one day we would flip. Being the intuitive asshole I was analyzing things all along, I told him there was no need because that's what his boyfriend was for. He let me know I was right and that he doesn't let his boyfriend fuck him.
Why is bottoming so difficult for people-- especially in a relationship? Are we still connecting our manhood to our dick? Have we become so ashamed of our innermost desires that we can give them away in darkness, but not be honest enough with a lover to express them?
Cheating-- coming from a former cheater-- is never about the partner and all about the cheater. Something that sounds as simple as sitting on your partner's penis becomes so much bigger than it needs to be and what seems easier is letting an old fuck buddy beat it up for you. I've even heard of people asking their ex before marriage to hit it right one good time. This other guy just came from out of the country with his lover but ended up at my house freaking as he was visiting family. So, I really had to come to some answers about where my morals stood at.
I'm confused. Not judging because I have been there. But confused nonetheless. For sex to be so easy to find, why are we scared to share our sexual desires-- even if that confronts monogamy in the definitive sense-- with people of whom we are in a relationship? And why is it okay for men to be the side piece, but talk about side chicks? What is the true attraction to another person when in a relationship? How can we be in a place to say that a nonnegotiable is cheating, but we flirt with people on the regular? And why are we so against open relationships when we most are, secretly?
So going forward with all my questions, I think we need to, as people, work through some things before involving people in our mess. If you can't articulate what type of sex you desire to your mate when sex is so easy to find and one of the most practiced things we have done as it relates to a relationship, what other conversations and decisions are you gonna overlook? Sex is truly an analogy on life. If you can't be fucked by him yet want to be fucked, you end up fucking him up.